Definition of depression given is “Depression (major
depressive disorder or clinical depression) is a common but serious mood
disorder. It causes severe symptoms that affect how you feel, think, and handle
daily activities, such as sleeping, eating, or working. To be diagnosed with
depression, the symptoms must be present for at least two weeks.”
So, how it’s start? MDD patients will never remember how its
start. They did not know actually they are in MDD. So, how they know they are a
MDD patient? Actually, different patient have different cases on how to detect
the diseases. For me, its start from not really critical gastric and migraine. How?
I start lost appetite, I start not to eat, I always in fever, I always getting
injection for my gastric, and I cannot sleep without sleeping pills at night. And
of course, I lose too much of weight afterwards. Then, I start to hurt myself. I
start trying to kill myself. I start hearing a lot of unfamiliar voice and even
I see them too many times.
When its
happen that way? Its actually already 4 years. 4 years ago, after graduated my
master. I start on having a lot of difficulty. Start to think why is everything
I do is not what I want? What is actually those things for? Why is hard for me
to find a job as engineer? Why is my master be one of my enemies while seeking
a job? Why everything is so difficult? And with all those thought, no one ask
am I ok? Or will you still want to be an engineer? No one ask what I want in my
entire life…All they said is “you don’t have a job now..please take care of
your granny” “You shouldn’t go anywhere,
just stay at home. You don’t have money to go anyway”… “You need to be engineer”..
“You don’t need a part time job. I still can give you whatever you want to eat.
Just stay at home”.. “ cook for me”… “Please do house chores” “Why is
everything so messy here?”…”when will you cook for your granny?”.. bla bla bla
bla… and its continue happen while im in my PHD… and those MDD getting worse
and still, im alive.
After a few years, I got a job. Well, let just say that it’s
a job after begging a few people anyway. And of course, as you know being in a
company with a help is seriously will kill you. No rest,no taking a nap, work…work…work…
because everyone expected you to be flexible as soon as you be an engineer with
master holder. Plus, you are in a company that everyone knew you, everyone keeps
their eyes on whatever you do just because you are one of the director daughters.
It’s seriously killing me. Working…working…working…over time every day. No rest
on weekend because you need to study for the work. No one ever teach you. No one
even care. Everything there is sooo bullshit….huhuhuhu… after working, still
there is no alone time at all. Cooking, home chores, everything you need to do.
Its just feel like you re working like a robot. But, on a time employees
evaluation, I got nothing. At home also I got nothing except madness and
horrible talk. The minor depression becomes major depression at that time where
I really don’t wanna live anymore. I start to feel numb. Didn’t even care what
happen surrounding. I start to feel that I need gastric injection every day,
every week and continued almost one month.
The doctor start on the diagnose,
test…and everything.. and confirmed thos minor depression become major
depression. I start taking pills to hold up the mood. I start to fill up all my
annual leave and MC just for those stupid MDD. Everything begun too sudden
actually and no one knew. I struggle by myself. Almost one year on medical and
counseling, im too tired when people surrounding keep on asking “why…why and why”…
so, I tell my family about my MDD. Yes, of course they cannot undertand at
first but after quiet long explanation (which actually make me stress…I hate
explaining), they start going mild. And fortunately my contract in the company
end. I start to seek another job. Im trying to do whatever I want to. Im going
for a trip by myself for the first time. Im doing what I want to do for the
first time. I try to hold up as much as I could. Im seriously too tired with
all that. Until I met those “angels”… yes.. an angel that always make me happy…
Yes, they are my angels. Always make me laugh. Of course my
mom always by my side and also Allah SWT and some of my friend. Im so thankful
and grateful for that. But, ya… I still feel lonely actually. But, with them, I
feel energetic. Giving them knowledge (even they are not that hardworking
anyway), still is my precious time ever. Thank You Ya Allah lending me that
happiness.
Now, I had things to do in my life:
“Being an engineer is my profession, being a teacher is my
hobby and being a business woman is my interest.”
Do you want to know the hidden meanings inside those sentences?
Let me explain then.
“Being an engineer is my profession”. Okay, what does
profession means? Indeed, a paid occupation that involved prolonged training
and formal qualification…right? I graduated in engineering course in
university. I studied and had working in engineering field too many years now. I
paid by company for the profession. I live with my salary from the engineering
works. I didn’t say I hate engineering. It’s just my profession that giving me
salary to live in this cruel world. GOT IT…??
Next, “Being a teacher is my hobby”. Let see, how I should explain.
Okay, put it this way. That hobby won’t ever be my profession and stay as a
hobby for the rest of my life. Which mean that not targeting my student as an A’s
student after being taught. I teach a knowledge that they need to face this
cruel world. For example they need to know how to read, and then I teach them
how to read. If they need to know how to count a number, I teach them counting
and remember all numbers. And if they need to pass an exam, they just need to
remember whatever I said then they will pass the exam. That’s it. It won’t ever
be my profession because I really hate targeting and planning, then afterward
no one will remember whatever being taught. I hate the fact that student need
to score to survive, to live well or even everyone keep thinking that high
education needed to stay success and they were 100% WRONG. So, please let it
stay as my hobby ok…please…!!! Being with them is always my hobby and it wont be
my profession ok…please..!
Lastly, “Being a business woman is my interest”. Interest
itself means the feeling of wanting to give your attention to something or
wanting to be involved with. Of course, it won’t be my profession either. It’s just
an attempt, a trial, something that I not really care about actually. If there giving
any benefit from the business, so Alhamdulillah. If not, then it’s also
Alhamdulillah. Im doing the business when I have free time or felt bored at
home, nothing to do, then I will just do it. OK?
Ya, Indeed, I love working. I’m a workaholic person, but
since I still in healing time, I might only can do my hobby anyway. Sorry for not
working like before, sorry for being tired and sick, sorry for not being a good
family member, good child and a good friend, sorry for not being me like
before, but please lend me enough time to prepare myself to get into my
profession again afterward ok….Will try my best to hang on…will try my best to
stay alive…and will try my best to stay smile…and I still keep on trying….please
do pray for me…thank you for always being my side…thank you for always make me
smile and laugh everyday but its actually harder than I thought it is but I will keep on trying…ok….huhuhu…
